Friday, March 15, 2013

I really need to get over my writer's block

Two years ago today/night I was in a delivery room being induced and trying to have fun while I was hooked up to an IV of pitocin, a fetal heart monitor, standing at the side of my bed swaying back and forth like my life depended on each and every sway. I was cracking jokes and taking only a moment to pause mid thought when my contractions were too much to talk through. I tried every distraction technique I could come up with including watching "The Social Network" while posting to a social network.

I filled the room with many distractions, because unlike my previous live-birth where I wasn't certain everything would go well with Opal's delivery. I wasn't the least bit certain the universe would shine on me and smile that day. Every time that fetal monitor paused for a half beat to long or Opal moved I had move the little dodad to find her heart tone again my heart would skip a beat. And for a fleeting moment I would worry that I would leave the hospital without this baby girl too.  I was less than a 10 feet away from room where I gave birth to Owen Samuel and maybe 15' from where I last heard Olive Lucy's heart tones over the fetal monitor the night before she was stillborn. I was not prepared for the surreal experience of giving birth to a baby that looked and felt so much like the baby I never got to bring home.

As the hours ticked by today I found myself thinking about Olive Lucy & Opal Lenore often, I wondered how long I will be able to look into the face of my beautiful living daughter and see the face of the one little girl I only saw for a handful of hours. I wonder about Lucy everyday. Today wondered if Owen Samuel is right and they are the *same* baby. crazy rambling nonsense right? maybe, maybe not. Either way I feel blessed to be the mom to such an amazing little girl. Opal Lenore brought another kind of joy into our life when she was born. Happy almost Birthday to our most adorable 2nd daughter who gives us a glimmer of Lucy each and every day she is in our life. what a special gift Opal  is for us.

Opal & Peanut


MommaClown & 2 BabyClowns


ClownFamily Oct 2012


Opal Lenore age 20 months
Owen Samuel Danger age 4

2 comments:

Cynthia said...

Hadn't been on the blogsfor a while to read and going over them totally enjoyed reminiscing here thanks for writing so beautifully brought a tear or two but I enjoyed reading noentheless. We love you and your lil family and miss your lil angel Olive Lucy sucha beautiful lil one.

C.M. said...

Hi. I don’t know if you read these anymore...it’s been several years maybe you have a new blog or are just too busy with your family. Either way, I wanted to send you a message.


I don’t know if you remember me, but I was assigned to you on BabyCenter for a fun little spirit lifting game where we stalked each other and sent random positive messages to our person.

My daughter was born almost nine months after your first was born with her wings. I had named her Lucile Jewell (and call her Lucy).

I’ve never lost a child, so I don’t know how it feels, but I’m so happy for you that you were able to move on with your lives but continue to pay tribute to her.

I remember the first time I saw a photo of your precious angel baby. I was honestly stunned and shocked because she looked almost exactly like my daughter did when she was born.


Anyway, my little Lucy just turned 10 last month, and she’s not that little anymore. She is smart, brave, witty, funny, and still just as beautiful as the day she was born.

I wanted to share her with you. So you knew I still remembered you. Still think of you often. And still mourn for you. My own daughter being a constant reminder. I’ve never met you and likely never will, and that’s okay. But I will always remember you and your family.

Bless you all,


Colleen